


Dull.

by orphan_account



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2017, Angst, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, trying to be deep but not really seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-16
Updated: 2017-09-16
Packaged: 2018-12-30 07:14:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12103515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: "The boy was colorless, so he tended to get stained by the colors of others."





	Dull.

**Author's Note:**

> uhh,,, i'm not sure what this is. just,,, i haven't posted in a while, and it was bothering me... i am too much.  
> please please please i am begging you do not kill me i needed adrian for the plot i swear i have no clue what he is like just remember it is for the PLOT PLOT PLOT (is there any even?) seriously he's mentioned once in this calm yo tits
> 
> TAKES PLACE IN 2017

_"The boy was colorless, so he tended to get stained by the colors of others."_

Phil had known that fact, more and more so as he got closer to Dan. It was hard not to, as Dan seemed like a different person around him than when he was around his friends from university. It were as if Dan wasn't his own person at all. 

It hit him more, however, when Adrian had told him directly all those years before. 

Phil wasn't always a happy person. In fact, when he first started to notice the colorless part of Dan, he acted increasingly happier and happier, even though it was just an experiment, at first. Evidently, Dan also became happier. As the two hung around each other more, Phil noticed Dan's mental health go up- He was happier than ever, and even some of the little parts of Phil shone through in Dan.

The gentle parts that would hold the other's hand when something happened. 

The thoughtful parts that would randomly buy the other a stuffed animal or a flower that reminded them of each other. 

Even the parts that Phil was less proud of- The less manly parts that would prevent them from asserting themselves. 

Of course, Dan wasn't a carbon copy of Phil. There were loud colors in Dan that would seep through the cracks in his colorless personality. His sarcasm. His kindness. His "alpha-male"-ness (although that was only sometimes). Even so, those three colors- black, white, and grey- began to become accompanied by others: bright greens, pinks, oranges... Until he was once again, colorful. 

Of course, something like this had its downsides, as well. Phil did not allow himself to be sad on days he was sad (most days). He'd plaster on a smile (that he's gotten used to faking from the past several years), and be the happiness that his partner needed yet lacked most of his life. 

If he can't do anything else, this was the least he could do for Dan. 

Or so he thought. 

* * *

It was morning again, and Phil felt disappointed that he, once again, despite his wishes, opened his eyes. As soon as he came to, his limbs felt like lead, and there was static in his ears, and darkness was coating everything, and he was shaking and...

It was utterly terrible. 

Some days were worse than others. There were days he felt on top of the world, and there were days he regretted waking up in the first place. But it's okay. He could get through this. 

A few deep breaths, and he looked over to Dan, who was sleeping next to him. 

Dan, who was talented, Dan, who was young, Dan, who was attractive, Dan, who, despite everything, still loved Phil. Phil, who couldn't do anything right, Phil, who hated himself, Phil, who could barely function on some days... Dan still loved him. 

Getting up, planning on making pancakes for his boyfriend, trudged along silently to the bathroom to wash his face. He didn't have the motivation to do anything, but he know that see Dan's smiling, grateful face would cheer him up, even if it was only a little bit. After rinsing his face with cold water, Phil realized his hands were still shaking. 

Why?  _Why today of all days?_

Later, they had to go to Edinburgh for that talk with Sue Perkins and Phil wasn't sure if he could handle it. To have such a serious talk in front of so many people he didn't know, although it's something he's done so many times before, he's never been able to get used to it, and doesn't he ever will. Truthfully, he's terrified. 

He didn't want to unintentionally mess up him and Dan's reputations. If he screws up on stage, there's nothing he would be able to do to erase it. Dan would hate him. 

"Phil?" 

Dan was there, rubbing his eyes, and it almost made Phil fling himself right into his boyfriend's arms. "M-Morning."

"What're we doing for breakfast?" 

"I, uh, was just about to make pancakes for the two of us, and then we could head to Edinburgh."

"Sounds good." Dan leaned forward and planted a kiss onto Phil's cheek, "Thanks, love. I'll help you."

"Better not, as I don't want them to burn," Phil laughed. 

"Touché." 

* * *

Breakfast went normally, but as the event came closer and closer, Phil felt his head pound and his hands shake even more violently, trying his hardest to keep it under wraps from Dan. Although they've known each other for eight years, Dan didn't know about Phil's anxiety, even though he sometimes took pills for it. And that's the way Phil intends to keep it. Knowing Dan, he'd probably overreact and act oversensitive to all of Phil's actions and words. 

"...il. Phil. Phil!"

"W-What?"

"You're acting kind of weird. Are you okay? I was just saying how we best get ready now, or we'll be late."

"Right. I'll be ready in ten." 

"Are you sure you're alright?"

"Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Why wouldn't I be?" Phil smiled lightly at his partner, although he honestly felt he didn't have the energy to fake it. 

"You tell me."

"That sounded slightly sexual," Phil said, hoping to lighten the mood a little bit. 

"Right? I don't think anybody is capable of saying 'you tell me' without making it sound sexual!"  _Thank god he dropped it._

"Didn't you say that we were going to be late?"

"Shit, you're right."

They both changed out of their pajamas, and were on the taxi on their way to Edinburgh. 

Phil's dark circles were a little darker than normal, his skin a little paler than normal, his hands a little clammier than normal, his heart a little quicker than normal. His heart felt heavy and he just wanted to go back into bed and immerse himself in darkness. 

The show itself went fine, and the audience liked it. It was an interesting talk. But Phil found so many things that he felt sounded awkward, regretted saying certain things at certain parts, but he figured it was perfectly normal. However, he was totally drained, and he could no longer function by the time it was over. 

When the two of them got home, Dan wanted to play Mario Kart with him, and Phil simply didn't have the energy to fake a smile. The show went great, but for reasons he couldn't even describe himself, he just wanted to cry. Don't get me wrong-- His life was going great, he was content, he had someone he loved. Even so... Even so, he wasn't truly happy sometimes. He thinks he can never be happy. 

"Philllll! Come onnn, just one game? One? Pleaseee?"

"Ugh, fine!" Phil replied jokingly, swallowing the lump in his throat and blinking away the tears in his eyes before they could spill out. However, he wouldn't stop shaking. He's smiling, he's laughing, he's not breaking down, but there's just this unsettled feeling in his chest that tightened around his esophagus and constricted his breathing. 

When it suddenly started raining, and an unexpected bout of thunder shook the roof, Phil's breathing sped up and the corners of his vision darkened. He dropped the remote, clawing at this chest, willing his breathing to slow down, but it wouldn't. 

"Phil? Phil!" 

Realizing Dan was right there only made him shake more, trying to quiet the colors. The anxious blues and dark, unsightly browns filled the room, threatening to stain Dan's perfect existence, and he didn't want that. He didn't want Dan to become sad, and dark, and he didn't Dan to see how much of a failure he really was. In the midst of his panic, he squeezed out a pained smile that probably look contorted, but he didn't care. Phil smiled, trying to tell Dan that he was happy, not a failure, trying to combat the blues and browns swirling around the room with a pretty, nice yellow. 

Instead, black began staining the walls, and plopping onto the colorless Dan. Phil was terrified. 

Dan, who was colorless, who would get stained by the colors of others, just received the darker parts of Phil, and Phil hated it. He wanted Dan to always be happy. But how could Dan be happy if he's around Phil all the time? 

"Phil. It's going to be alright. I'm right here. Lion, I'm right here. Take a deep breath. Breathe with me. In, out. In, out." As Phil's breathing slowed down and the shaking receded, the blues disappeared, and what was left was brown and black. 

"I'm sorry, Dan. I'm so, so, sorry."

"Don't be sorry. It's not your fault."

"I... I stained you with dark!" Phil cried, tears of self-hatred and pain rolled down his cheeks. "I'm sorry."

"I don't know what you mean. I'm fine, I'm totally fine. Honestly, Phil, I have no clue what you're going on about." 

"Dan..."

"Phil," Dan said sternly, "everything is fine."

"Sorry."

"Phil Lester, I don't know if you don't think I've noticed before, but you don't have to hold it in. I'm not colorless anymore." Dan paused, "I don't think you've noticed, but you brought out my colors. Phil, just let yourself be sad when you're sad." 

Phil cried even more. He didn't know that those words were all he needed all along. He didn't know how much he  _wanted_ them. "You... you knew?"

"Of course, you floppy ding dong! I've been dating you for eight years!"

"I love you."

"I love you, too, dingus."

* * *

 

_There are people who hide their colors and people who are colorless. However, those who are colorless are not truly colorless. Those colors are deeply rooted inside of them, waiting to be brought out. Bright yellows and warm oranges. Pale pinks and emotional reds. What you don't see doesn't truly surface until you fall in love. Even then, still, you might not see it._

_Fin._


End file.
